Fact or Fiction?

Whoever said it, I hope they're right. It's getting harder and harder the stronger my feelings grow. People have it so easy and they don't even realize. I never knew how important body language was until now. I can't read minds, I can't tell if you're actually smiling via text, I don't know how you feel until you tell me. Which, in most guys case, they don't know how to do that. It's not their style, and I understand that. I've expected too much and I took it too far. Maybe one day I'll figure this out and we can both be happy at the same time.

BIRTHDAYS

First of all, is this the coolest fucking bday cake you've ever seen or what? I'm completely obsessed with it. I'm going to marry it one day. It had me at "hello". Okay, I'm done...maybe.
I love doing surveys and I love birthdays so when I saw this, I figured I had to do it. Let the games begin...

1.) Birthdays are: your day, 100%. I'm the princess on my bday and nothing can bring me down!

2.) My favorite birthday memory was: I don't remember how old I was (probably 5 or 6) but I remember my mom bought me a new white dress just for my bday and I waited for about a week to wear it, asking her everyday if I could just "try it on". Then when I woke up that morning, I put it on and wore it with pride all day. I was the beautiest :)

3.) A birthday tradition my family has is: We don't really have a tradition. We just try to get together to celebrate, and it's usually more than one birthday combined. We do, however, always try to speed up the singing of "Happy Birthday", we sound so sad!

4.) If I had to choose one birthday meal to eat for the rest of my birthdays hence forward, I would choose: Filet Mignon...the good stuff. With the potatoes and green beans or asparagus. Oh so hearty and yummy.

5.) My birthday is on: July 31. I love it.

6.) If I could take a birthday trip, I would go: To a different location every year. I love traveling and what better way to celebrate your birthday than on vacation. You can do whatever you want!!

7.) The best gift I ever received for my birthday was: I've had plenty of amazing gifts and they all mean different things from different people. Although, this year my grandma bought me a plane ticket for my birthday to see a boy I like. That was special :)

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Happy birthday to my beautiful sisters Stephanie and Cecilia, turning 22 this year, and to my amazing best friend, Bri, turning old (26) this year =) Love yous!!

Bear Dog

Last weekend I went "up north" with my sister, her boyfriend (who later that day became her fiance!!!), his sister and cousin. We were all sitting on the beach when her fiance started telling us about this dog my sister mentioned she wanted. I was shocked because she HATES dogs. With a fiery passion. If they look at her she freaks out, makes a hilarious disgusted face and moves slowly away from the animal. No joke. So he's telling this story and in the end, it was some type of dog that looked like a bear. So the entire weekend, all 5 of us walked around randomly yelling out "Bear Dog!" I pictured a big, hairy, sloppy mess of a dog. That's usually what I think of when I see a bear or a dog so it's natural that I would imagine it as double trouble. Then, I just happened to stumble upon this photo and I fell in love. How can you not want this? It's like the very first stuffed teddy bear you ever received as a child and it was your "baby". You took it everywhere with you. When you ate, it ate. When you slept, it slept. When you were mad, they were even more mad. This is that teddy bear times a million. I need one now.

A Change of Heart

Sooo yeaaaa....I totally suck at blogging. I'm going to try something different. I've seen so many pictures of cute things I love so I decided to have more of a "virtual scrapbook" than a blog. It will say everything I can't find the words/strength to say out loud.
Stay tuned (but don't hold your breath!)

Two Years

Summer 2008

Mom: "Bruce was in a car accident"

Me: "what happened?! Is he okay?"

Mom: "He's okay but he lost his peripheral vision. He has a brain tumor"

Me: "....It's back? It's in his brain now?"

Mom: (crying) "yes, it's not good"

My mom and her husband, Bruce, lived about 30 minutes from my apartment. It was difficult for me to visit with them during the week but I occasionally drove out on the weekend to visit, although not as often as I know I should have. My sisters and I would usually plan a day where at least 2 of us would visit at a time. It was difficult to get all four of us together. As Bruce's illness began taking over, we found ourselves at their house more than at our own homes. I was taking time off work and school to be with my mom. Stephanie had enlisted in the Army National Guard and was already gone. She called my mom as often as she was allowed and always asked about Bruce. She requested to be told the truth, no matter how hard it would be to hear. As the weeks passed, Bruce's condition got worse and worse. They were in and out of the hospital and everytime I visited, there was a noticeable difference in his appearance. It became harder and harder to talk to him. One night, in particular, I had decided to drive over after work. When I arrived, mom was in the kitchen and Bruce was in a chair by the fireplace, watching television. I had to keep busy while I was there because I didn't want to think about what was really going on. I just wanted to visit and enjoy their company. I grabbed a screw driver and went out to my car to remove the license plate frame the dealership had put on when I got my car. I hated that thing and had wanted to remove it for years. It was June and I was out there sweating. The "screws" were made of plastic so they were just ripping apart when I tried to twist them. Bruce walked out and my mom followed (unknown to him), she quietly asked me to keep an eye on him. She wanted him to have is freedom, but with his lack of sight, she worried. He grabbed the screw driver and starting working away at it. He didn't say much but I stood there watching him. I could tell he felt better about himself for helping me. He began to get tired and eventually grabbed a chair to sit on. About 20 mins later neither of us could loosen the screw. He could barely move so I helped him inside. He sat down in the same chair he was in when I arrived and I spent the rest of the evening talking with my mom.

During the next couple weeks he had been in and out of the hospital. I had been commuting between work, my own home, their home and the hospital. My sisters and I made sure their dogs were being taken care of, their house was being cleaned and our number one priority was helping our mom. The entire family was amazing during this time and we all worked well in communicating and sharing time between our own families and keeping my mom company. Aunts and uncles would visit the house, drop off food, cut the grass, water the plants, play with the dogs, then visit them in the hospital. It became routine, but everybody wanted to be there, visiting and helping. I know it made me feel better knowing I could help.

The last week he was placed in the care of "in-home hospice". There was a hospital bed in my mom's living room and her two-piece couch was split on either side of the bed. I will never forget the first time I walked into the house after the bed was put there. I came straight from work, picked up Megan and we stopped to pick up dinner on our way there. I hadn't been there in a couple days and didn't realize how bad things had actually gotten. Megan and I walked through the door to faces we didn't recognize. I heard my mom's voice but it was muffled by voices I didn't know. I realized it was Bruce's family, who I had never met. Nobody was smiling and everybody seemed to be fighting back tears. My heart sank. I dropped my dinner on the table and ran to my mom. Then I saw him. He was slumped over in his wheelchair and my mom was trying to get him to eat. He refused. He couldn't talk, move or see. He could hear and comprehend everything. He knew exactly what was going on and I think that was the hardest part. He knew we were there because he was dying. It was difficult to keep a straight face in front of him. I didn't want him to see me cry. He told me many times not to cry for him, he had done this to himself and he was ready. I tried to joke, asking him if he wanted a cookie instead of the food my mom was making him eat. He smiled and nodded. I walked into the kitchen to find Megan in tears. She was terrified. It was a horrible thing so see someone you love in the condition he was in. I couldn't go back into the room after seeing Megan, I had let go and cried for the first time.

Wednesday, June 25 2008, my Dad and two other sisters got in the car headed to Stephanie's boot camp graduation. We were torn between being home for our mom and Bruce or going to be with Stephanie on one of the most important days in her life. Mom talked us into being with Stephanie. There wasn't much we could do for Bruce and mom had a house full with family, friends and neighbors. We said our goodbyes to Bruce and left.

Thursday June 27 2008, Megan and I were sharing a hotel room. We had talked to mom earlier that day and she told us that Bruce's nurses predicted he would be passing in the next couple days. Both of us kept our phones close and mom promised to call with any news. Just functioning was difficult. Our phones never left our hands and Bruce never left our thoughts. Sometime between 2:00 and 3:00am I woke up, just minutes before my phone rang. It was mom. Megan and I sat up in bed and I answered. All we heard was crying. We began to cry. The only thing mom said was "Bruce died". I asked if she was okay and if there was anything I could do. She said no, she was with family and everything would be ok. We hung up and I looked at Megan. We both realized we had woken up just minutes before the call and somehow knew it was coming. It was a weird feeling, but slightly comforting.

That morning, everyone congretated in the hotel for breakfast. We talked about Bruce and how we would go about breaking the news to Stephanie. Since we wouldn't be seeing her until after the ceremony, it was easier for us to wait. The ceremony was amazing and we all cried, for Stephanie and for Bruce. It was the most emotional thing I've ever seen. After the ceremony, the soldiers stood in their companies while family members made their way down to the field and asked permission to release their soldier. Cecilia ran to the front, yelled "Allison" and Stephanie was released. They embraced in a hug I'll only ever see again in the movies. They ran into eachother like it had been years. Tears rolling down their cheeks. She hugged Megan and I and the first thing she asked was "How's Bruce".

This photo was taken at the exact moment Megan was telling Stephanie that Bruce had died that night. The pain is visible on everyones faces. It was one of the most unforgettable moments in my life. That day was a rollercoaster of emotions. I was so proud of my baby sister but I felt horrible for having to burden her with such sad news from home. She was having a difficult time coping with her feelings being so far away from home with no real friends to comfort her.

We spent the rest of the day close to eachother. We all felt sad but made the best of it. Finally being with Stephanie made everything better. We had all missed her so much and we were so happy we could be there for her no matter the circumstances. She appreciated it, I know it. During the entire weekend by dad worked furiously with the American Red Cross to get Stephanie home for the funeral. She was being relocated from Fort Jackson in South Carolina to Fort Gordon in Georgia. We were told that we'd have to take her to Ft. Gordon, get her checked in, then she was free to go home for a week. Megan, Cecilia and I spent hours in the car on base waiting for Stephanie to get checked in. Eventually they came back and we drove home.

Over the next couple weeks, I spent almost every day with my mom working out the funeral/memorial plans. Bruce was cremated and we planned trips to his favorite places to spread his ashes. We had a small funeral in the cemetary and buried some of his ashes there. His family wanted a place they could go to remember him and see his name. The next three weekends were filled with mini-trips to spread his ashes, visit family and remember Bruce. A time I'll never forget.

This Sunday, June 27, 2010 marks the second anniversay of Bruce's death. Just like the two years before, I will be away from my family. It seems to be a pattern and I can't help but wonder if he has anything to do with it. He never wanted us to be sad for him. Up until the day we left, he tried his hardest to make us smile. He was nothing short of a wonderful person and this Sunday, just like every other day, I will remember him and put a smile on my face. I will remember all the wonderful things he did for my mom and how he brought our family back together. He made us whole again and I will always be thankful he came into our lives.

What Goes Around Eventually Does Come Around

Once upon a time, I had this group of friends. Four girls. We were labeled "The Dream Team". We did everything together and loved eachother very much. Then shit got weird. We started treating eachother like shit, talking about eachother behind backs and eventually falling apart. One girl specifically picked on me and made me feel horrible about myself. She was constantly making me feel bad so she could feel better about herself. Then one day, one of the girls and I had enough and started treating her bad. We'd make jokes about her when she was sitting next to us and deliberately make her feel uncomfortable so she would stop coming around. Her attempts to continue to be friends seemed desperate and were hilarious to us. Now, almost exactly one year later, I'm getting what I deserve. I have another group, of four girls. We're great, or so I thought. Little did I know, that I was now that girl that they would continuously leave behind, laugh at when she didn't know what was going on, and seem desperate to "fit in". I've been feeling like this for a few weeks now but I would never have thought that my friends would treat me like this. I guess what they say is true, karma really is a bitch.

New Direction

It's been a while. Many things have changed. I'm not even going to try to pick up where I left off. This post probably won't make any sense but that's pretty much how my life is. Things just happen without a rhyme or reason and there's nothing I can do about it, for now. Right now my living situation is a nightmare. I'm not going into any more detail than that because it seriously upsets me, but it is absolutely horrible and has me wishing for rock bottom so that I can claw my way out of this hole and start over. For me, starting over means moving so very far away. There are more reasons to go than to stay, but one huge reason to stay is my job. I can't ignore it, but I've thought about it a lot and it's probably the best thing I can do for myself. I'd hate to have lived my entire life in the same 30 mile radius. I travel a lot, but moving is completely different. I was thinking about it a couple days ago and realized I have to get a new EVERYTHING. New job, new friends, new hangouts, new car insurance, even new doctors. That's a lot of new. I'm starting to become overwhelmed. But, there is a person there waiting for me and everything I must do in order to make it happen will be worth it. He's worth it to me. As for my friends here, I know that no matter what we'll still be friends. They are who I am. I love them all for different reasons. Everyone of them has contributed to helping me become the person I am today. They know me almost as well as I know myself and that kind of friendship doesn't just disappear.
I guess this whole idea of moving is a lot to deal with and since it's not happening right away I have a lot of time to think about it. I'm still very excited to go, but I want to go now. I'm impatient and scared. I just hope that he's not as impatient as I am, otherwise this will have all been for nothing.