That's right. My dog, Jackson. I swear to God I got the only dog on earth that knows exactly how to piss me off but just enough that I won't kill him. The day I got him, he walked into my apartment and pissed on the floor. I smacked him, told him no and took him directly back outside. He hasn't done it since. I have since learned that he was marking his territory. I know this because when I take him outside, he has to find the PERFECT spot to pee. If he starts going, then realizes it may not be the best spot, he'll stop and hold it for another, better, spot. It's maddening. He can't do it all in one place, he needs to spread it all out as much as he can, which turns a quick run outside into a 10 minute walk around the apartment complex. Once he realizes we're back to our door, he freaks out and tries running to the nearest bush. At first I didn't let him go because I didn't think he'd have anything left in him to go, but once I started taking him to the bush of his choosing, closest to our door, he started getting everything out. I've learned his tricks. So now we take a quick lap around the nearest parking lot and once back to the door, we do our little freak out dance, run to the nearest bush, release and go home. It's annoying, but at least now we have a pattern. Everymorning, 6:30am, the dog gets up, jumps on my face and scratches until I wake up in a fury, try to punch him in the snout and roll over. Then he sits on the floor next to the bed and cries. So I get up, mumbling random mean words at him, take him outside, do our potty dance, then return to bed. But he knows I'm awake. It is NOT sleepy time anymore, it's "play with Jackson" time. He gets all his toys, puts them next to my bed and cries until I yell at him. This morning, he was so mad at me, he started chewing on my $90 tennis shoes. I heard the slobber, jumped out of bed, grabbed the poor shoe and promptly spanked Jackson with it, yelling "BAD DOG" as many times as I could in the process to refrain from killing him. Luckily there was minimal damage and the shoe is still wearable. There are teeth marks, but barely visible. Except to Jackson and I, which will serve as a reminder for me not to leave my shoes out and for him, not to eat them or he'll be spanked with them. In a mean way, I'd love to see him try to chew a stilletto...poor shoes.
Since he's such a "chewer", I bought him tons of bones. First I started out with a bag of three bones, about the size of my fist. That entire bag lasted two days. A single bone lasts about 10 mins. So I upgraded to an entire bag of about 50 flat square "bones". It's literally like a slate of bone. Those last abougt 3 mins. Great for if I need to pee in silence (ugh, which I'll get to later). So I went back to the fucking store to buy my dog yet another bag of bones. This time I got two bones, each the size of my forearm (wrist to elbow). That lasted...about one hour. I wasn't even able to watch an entire movie in peace because of the gnawing, hacking and chewing going on next to me. When that dog eats a bone, he doesn't let it out of his mouth for any amount of time, under any circumstances. Unless he chokes. In which case scares the fucking shit out of me because I am NOT sticking my fingers down that throat, diggin out soggy bone while he wriggles and wailes to get free, all the while panicking and making me panic. Also, I don't know how to give CPR to humans, let alone dogs. So, if he chews that bone too fast and dies, it's his own fucking fault. Don't get me wrong, I'd be destroyed and would probably have to call maintenance to come remove the doggy corpse from my apt, but I'd still be pissed. No other dog here is going to come take that bone away, I don't know why he can't just calmly chew and lick it like any other normal dog. It's like he's in a contest and the winner gets a treat. Like that wasn't enough of a treat.
Now, to the bathroom part. If I dare to close the door to the bathroom all the way, there is major scratching and whining going on. He must think the toilet is some kind of portal to the outside world and I'm going to leave him forever when I sit on it. He needs to be sitting right outside the door watching my every move, making sure I won't be flushing myself away forever. It's terrifying and unsettling. I do not like being stared at when I'm trying to pee. It takes longer.
He's afraid to walk on tile, no joke. So when we do go outside, there's a small triangle shape of tile right inside the door. So he literally JUMPS over it to get out the door. He refuses to walk into the kitchen, which is a good thing, I guess. But somewhat annoying when I'm trying to feed him his medicine and don't want to get it all over the carpet.
His kennel is in the spare room, which you must pass in order to get to my room and the bathroom. So what does Jackson do? He's books it past that room and stares at it once he passes. Like some crazy arms from the kennel are going to reach out and grab him, keeping him locked up forever. I tried to make the kennel a happy place for him. Showing him a treat and putting it in the kennel for him to go in and get, but he's on to me. That first treat is still in the kennel waiting to be eaten. No joke, from the first day I got him. He REFUSES to eat it. Its not that he doesn't like them either, because as long as I'm nowhere near that room, he'll eat them. He's so smart, he's dumb. I swear, I can't explain it. When a car drives by us when we're outside doing the potty polka, he runs around and wraps himself all around me, making me look like a complete idiot, when really, he's the fucking dumbass. I'm pretty sure I've already told you all this in the previous post. Wouldn't you think that by now I'm not going to let him get hit by a car? He's on the leash, he's with me and the car is not aiming at him in a fury with an evil grin yelling "Imma get you Jackson!!! Whahahahhahahahahahhaha" I just don't get it. It's infurating, insane and totally loveable all at once.
OH and his new thing, since he's locked up all day while I'm at work (poor thing) is to tuck his tail inbetween his legs, tuck his ass into his chest and run as fast as he can from one end of the apartment to the other. He runs so fast, it's like a big brown/black blur floating around my apartment. It's really freaky. Once he finally stops, he hacks and coughs for about 2 mins, then drinks an entire bowl of water, drooling all over my carpet.
Having a dog is obviously more work and patience than I ever could have imagined. I'm just glad I got him before I ever had a baby. Woah, can you imagine. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment