A Change of Heart

Sooo yeaaaa....I totally suck at blogging. I'm going to try something different. I've seen so many pictures of cute things I love so I decided to have more of a "virtual scrapbook" than a blog. It will say everything I can't find the words/strength to say out loud.
Stay tuned (but don't hold your breath!)

Two Years

Summer 2008

Mom: "Bruce was in a car accident"

Me: "what happened?! Is he okay?"

Mom: "He's okay but he lost his peripheral vision. He has a brain tumor"

Me: "....It's back? It's in his brain now?"

Mom: (crying) "yes, it's not good"

My mom and her husband, Bruce, lived about 30 minutes from my apartment. It was difficult for me to visit with them during the week but I occasionally drove out on the weekend to visit, although not as often as I know I should have. My sisters and I would usually plan a day where at least 2 of us would visit at a time. It was difficult to get all four of us together. As Bruce's illness began taking over, we found ourselves at their house more than at our own homes. I was taking time off work and school to be with my mom. Stephanie had enlisted in the Army National Guard and was already gone. She called my mom as often as she was allowed and always asked about Bruce. She requested to be told the truth, no matter how hard it would be to hear. As the weeks passed, Bruce's condition got worse and worse. They were in and out of the hospital and everytime I visited, there was a noticeable difference in his appearance. It became harder and harder to talk to him. One night, in particular, I had decided to drive over after work. When I arrived, mom was in the kitchen and Bruce was in a chair by the fireplace, watching television. I had to keep busy while I was there because I didn't want to think about what was really going on. I just wanted to visit and enjoy their company. I grabbed a screw driver and went out to my car to remove the license plate frame the dealership had put on when I got my car. I hated that thing and had wanted to remove it for years. It was June and I was out there sweating. The "screws" were made of plastic so they were just ripping apart when I tried to twist them. Bruce walked out and my mom followed (unknown to him), she quietly asked me to keep an eye on him. She wanted him to have is freedom, but with his lack of sight, she worried. He grabbed the screw driver and starting working away at it. He didn't say much but I stood there watching him. I could tell he felt better about himself for helping me. He began to get tired and eventually grabbed a chair to sit on. About 20 mins later neither of us could loosen the screw. He could barely move so I helped him inside. He sat down in the same chair he was in when I arrived and I spent the rest of the evening talking with my mom.

During the next couple weeks he had been in and out of the hospital. I had been commuting between work, my own home, their home and the hospital. My sisters and I made sure their dogs were being taken care of, their house was being cleaned and our number one priority was helping our mom. The entire family was amazing during this time and we all worked well in communicating and sharing time between our own families and keeping my mom company. Aunts and uncles would visit the house, drop off food, cut the grass, water the plants, play with the dogs, then visit them in the hospital. It became routine, but everybody wanted to be there, visiting and helping. I know it made me feel better knowing I could help.

The last week he was placed in the care of "in-home hospice". There was a hospital bed in my mom's living room and her two-piece couch was split on either side of the bed. I will never forget the first time I walked into the house after the bed was put there. I came straight from work, picked up Megan and we stopped to pick up dinner on our way there. I hadn't been there in a couple days and didn't realize how bad things had actually gotten. Megan and I walked through the door to faces we didn't recognize. I heard my mom's voice but it was muffled by voices I didn't know. I realized it was Bruce's family, who I had never met. Nobody was smiling and everybody seemed to be fighting back tears. My heart sank. I dropped my dinner on the table and ran to my mom. Then I saw him. He was slumped over in his wheelchair and my mom was trying to get him to eat. He refused. He couldn't talk, move or see. He could hear and comprehend everything. He knew exactly what was going on and I think that was the hardest part. He knew we were there because he was dying. It was difficult to keep a straight face in front of him. I didn't want him to see me cry. He told me many times not to cry for him, he had done this to himself and he was ready. I tried to joke, asking him if he wanted a cookie instead of the food my mom was making him eat. He smiled and nodded. I walked into the kitchen to find Megan in tears. She was terrified. It was a horrible thing so see someone you love in the condition he was in. I couldn't go back into the room after seeing Megan, I had let go and cried for the first time.

Wednesday, June 25 2008, my Dad and two other sisters got in the car headed to Stephanie's boot camp graduation. We were torn between being home for our mom and Bruce or going to be with Stephanie on one of the most important days in her life. Mom talked us into being with Stephanie. There wasn't much we could do for Bruce and mom had a house full with family, friends and neighbors. We said our goodbyes to Bruce and left.

Thursday June 27 2008, Megan and I were sharing a hotel room. We had talked to mom earlier that day and she told us that Bruce's nurses predicted he would be passing in the next couple days. Both of us kept our phones close and mom promised to call with any news. Just functioning was difficult. Our phones never left our hands and Bruce never left our thoughts. Sometime between 2:00 and 3:00am I woke up, just minutes before my phone rang. It was mom. Megan and I sat up in bed and I answered. All we heard was crying. We began to cry. The only thing mom said was "Bruce died". I asked if she was okay and if there was anything I could do. She said no, she was with family and everything would be ok. We hung up and I looked at Megan. We both realized we had woken up just minutes before the call and somehow knew it was coming. It was a weird feeling, but slightly comforting.

That morning, everyone congretated in the hotel for breakfast. We talked about Bruce and how we would go about breaking the news to Stephanie. Since we wouldn't be seeing her until after the ceremony, it was easier for us to wait. The ceremony was amazing and we all cried, for Stephanie and for Bruce. It was the most emotional thing I've ever seen. After the ceremony, the soldiers stood in their companies while family members made their way down to the field and asked permission to release their soldier. Cecilia ran to the front, yelled "Allison" and Stephanie was released. They embraced in a hug I'll only ever see again in the movies. They ran into eachother like it had been years. Tears rolling down their cheeks. She hugged Megan and I and the first thing she asked was "How's Bruce".

This photo was taken at the exact moment Megan was telling Stephanie that Bruce had died that night. The pain is visible on everyones faces. It was one of the most unforgettable moments in my life. That day was a rollercoaster of emotions. I was so proud of my baby sister but I felt horrible for having to burden her with such sad news from home. She was having a difficult time coping with her feelings being so far away from home with no real friends to comfort her.

We spent the rest of the day close to eachother. We all felt sad but made the best of it. Finally being with Stephanie made everything better. We had all missed her so much and we were so happy we could be there for her no matter the circumstances. She appreciated it, I know it. During the entire weekend by dad worked furiously with the American Red Cross to get Stephanie home for the funeral. She was being relocated from Fort Jackson in South Carolina to Fort Gordon in Georgia. We were told that we'd have to take her to Ft. Gordon, get her checked in, then she was free to go home for a week. Megan, Cecilia and I spent hours in the car on base waiting for Stephanie to get checked in. Eventually they came back and we drove home.

Over the next couple weeks, I spent almost every day with my mom working out the funeral/memorial plans. Bruce was cremated and we planned trips to his favorite places to spread his ashes. We had a small funeral in the cemetary and buried some of his ashes there. His family wanted a place they could go to remember him and see his name. The next three weekends were filled with mini-trips to spread his ashes, visit family and remember Bruce. A time I'll never forget.

This Sunday, June 27, 2010 marks the second anniversay of Bruce's death. Just like the two years before, I will be away from my family. It seems to be a pattern and I can't help but wonder if he has anything to do with it. He never wanted us to be sad for him. Up until the day we left, he tried his hardest to make us smile. He was nothing short of a wonderful person and this Sunday, just like every other day, I will remember him and put a smile on my face. I will remember all the wonderful things he did for my mom and how he brought our family back together. He made us whole again and I will always be thankful he came into our lives.

What Goes Around Eventually Does Come Around

Once upon a time, I had this group of friends. Four girls. We were labeled "The Dream Team". We did everything together and loved eachother very much. Then shit got weird. We started treating eachother like shit, talking about eachother behind backs and eventually falling apart. One girl specifically picked on me and made me feel horrible about myself. She was constantly making me feel bad so she could feel better about herself. Then one day, one of the girls and I had enough and started treating her bad. We'd make jokes about her when she was sitting next to us and deliberately make her feel uncomfortable so she would stop coming around. Her attempts to continue to be friends seemed desperate and were hilarious to us. Now, almost exactly one year later, I'm getting what I deserve. I have another group, of four girls. We're great, or so I thought. Little did I know, that I was now that girl that they would continuously leave behind, laugh at when she didn't know what was going on, and seem desperate to "fit in". I've been feeling like this for a few weeks now but I would never have thought that my friends would treat me like this. I guess what they say is true, karma really is a bitch.

New Direction

It's been a while. Many things have changed. I'm not even going to try to pick up where I left off. This post probably won't make any sense but that's pretty much how my life is. Things just happen without a rhyme or reason and there's nothing I can do about it, for now. Right now my living situation is a nightmare. I'm not going into any more detail than that because it seriously upsets me, but it is absolutely horrible and has me wishing for rock bottom so that I can claw my way out of this hole and start over. For me, starting over means moving so very far away. There are more reasons to go than to stay, but one huge reason to stay is my job. I can't ignore it, but I've thought about it a lot and it's probably the best thing I can do for myself. I'd hate to have lived my entire life in the same 30 mile radius. I travel a lot, but moving is completely different. I was thinking about it a couple days ago and realized I have to get a new EVERYTHING. New job, new friends, new hangouts, new car insurance, even new doctors. That's a lot of new. I'm starting to become overwhelmed. But, there is a person there waiting for me and everything I must do in order to make it happen will be worth it. He's worth it to me. As for my friends here, I know that no matter what we'll still be friends. They are who I am. I love them all for different reasons. Everyone of them has contributed to helping me become the person I am today. They know me almost as well as I know myself and that kind of friendship doesn't just disappear.
I guess this whole idea of moving is a lot to deal with and since it's not happening right away I have a lot of time to think about it. I'm still very excited to go, but I want to go now. I'm impatient and scared. I just hope that he's not as impatient as I am, otherwise this will have all been for nothing.

I'm Getting Too Old For This

I've been thinking about things and life in general lately and I realized there's still so many things I'd like to accomplish before it's too late. I mean, not to get all sentimental, but we never know when the real "end" is, and I feel like I should give myself some sort of goal or dream to work toward. I never really do this because I always feel like a big fucking failure when I can't even acheive a goal I set for myself, but I think I'm actually going to try this. I'm 25 (and a half!) which means that I'm going to be 30 (OMG!!) in less than 5 years. Fuck, that was hard to type. Ugh. So here it goes:

10 Things I'd like to accomplish before I'm 30 (in no particular order):

1) Own my own house. A cute little white house with a nice front lawn and a red front door. The red door is very important to me. It's my version of "white picket fence".

2) Travel to every state in the United States. I've been to a handful and I've driven through plenty. I want to stay a couple nights in every state and see the things people don't usually go there to see. I especially want to go to the "Four Corners" of the US and lay down on the ground. Four States at once!!! How awesome is that?

3) Learn to play the piano and find more music featuring the piano. It's my favorite sound in the world. It's so passionate and emotional. I can't get enough of it.

4) Go back to school and get my associates degree in business, also my real estate license. This would be useful for when I buy my own house.

5) Fall in love. Crazy beautiful love. The kind that never happens. (hey, I never said it had to last forever...)

6) Buy a new car. The kind of car I've been dreaming of my entire life. One that has a moonroof, great radio/speakers with ipod hookup, power locks/windows, and most importantly...aluminum wheels!! I'm sick and tired of losing my $90 plastic hubcaps!

7) Love my body totally and completly. I've kindof already started this one and I'm very proud of myself. I want to continue eating healthy, join a gym and stick to it. I want to be comfortable with my body and still be healthy.

8) Own a dog. My very own dog. I've always wanted a Daschound named Frank. So maybe two dogs because I want a big badass dog also. He will be named Zeus. Haha Zeus and Frank, how silly of me.

9) Be more open to new opportunites. I always seem to judge and analyze everything and I just want to be able to do things without thinking about it so much. Sometimes it's a good thing, but mostly it just holds me back.

10) This one hurts me and I can't believe I'm about to say it...you probably should have seen it coming, but I would like to have have a child before I'm 30. I don't want to be some old pregnant person, I just think I'd feel better if I had at least one kid before I'm 30. This one scares me but I don't want to feel like I've missed out on anything. I hate missing out on things.

This One's For You Champ

So tonight was interesting...or still is I guess. I'm currently sitting on my sister's couch, typing on her computer, about to eat her food. Life isn't all that bad. Thanks Red.
Nobody really has time or wants to hear me bitch right now, which I totally understand. Sometimes I don't have time for you and you understand so we're even. I just want to know why guys think the way they do. I've dated a few guys, I've slept with a few guys and every one of them still thinks I have intimate feelings for them. Like yea, I was attracted to you at one point, and if you haven't dramatically changed your looks (like suddenly grown boobs or gained 500lbs) then I'm probably still attracted to you. But not sexually attracted. That's the difference right there people! I can be attracted to whoever I want, it means absolutely nothing. I'm attracted to my best guy friend. He's a good looking guy, I'm not going to lie. I seriously think his man boobs full of manly muscle are bigger than mine though.
Ok so I've totally gone off the subject but seriously...just because we dated or had sex in the past does not mean that I have devoted my entire life to trying to get you back. First of all, I don't do redos. I did that with one guy years ago many times and that junk is not happening again. Second of all, if I wanted you that bad, I'm pretty sure I'd have you.
So, my point is, the next time I see a guy that I used to date or sleep with, I'm not thinking about him the way I used to. I just wish all guys would get the hint and stop thinking about themselves as some kind of gift to women everywhere. You're not that awesome.

Slowly But Surely

"You may not be her first, her last or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together, but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there"
- Bob Marley

Wow. That's all I can say. I'm not a huge Marley fan, I've never seen this before but I think I need to start listening to his music more often! There are not words more true in the entire universe. It's all about respect and when you don't show a woman what she's worth, you don't deserve her. I realized that although I may love, I'm not really loving. It makes sense in my head. I've been stuck on someone for months and I'm beginning to forget what his arms felt like wrapped around me all night. What his lips felt like against mine. I'm happy I don't have to hold his hand anymore because it always made my fingers hurt. I look at pictures of him and his new love and I'm starting to feel happy that he's happy. His face doesn't make me sad and give me butterflies all at once like it did before. I can look at pictures and not shed a tear. There are still some things I'm not ready for and I know I need to take it slow. I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is mighty bittersweet. I'll miss him being around and always making my day a little brighter, but someone else will come around that will be that much better, at least that's what they told me. I feel as if a weight is slowly but surely being lifted off my shoulders and I'm beginning to wriggle free from the grip around my heart. I can breathe and I can't wait to take it all in again.