Confused...errr something

Okay, I know I just wrote an entire post about my dog, but I thought it was funny. You guys just need to meet him and you'll see I'm not making this shit up. Anyway...not that my dog got me thinking (weird) but I just went back and read all my old posts. I realized something. Well actually I've known it all my life, but I don't think I've ever actually "realized" it and taken it seriously. I totally wear my heart on my sleeve and fall way too hard way too fast. Like one day I kinda like someone, the next we need to spend every minute together, then a week later I'm planning our future in my head. OMG I'M CRAZY. Like, literally insane. I'm an awesome friend-that's-a-girl, but I'm a terrible girl-friend. It's no wonder I date all my guy friends. I'm totally myself and awesome (I know, thank you) around them, then I like them back and I get all stupid and crazy. The only problem is, I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it. Where is that crazy switch and how do I make it stay OFF? Why can't I just be me all the time. That awesome person that all my friends love me for? I'm so awesome, I can't even stop saying it (SEE?!?!). I love awesome me. Then I get into a relationship and all that awesomeness disappears and all this crazy lady shit comes out and even my friends think I'm insane but they're too scared to tell me because I'm so insane. It's a viscous circle. It's like, sometimes I say things about my relationships and even normal, awesome me is wondering why I just said that and if anybody really heard (ps, I realized the world is full of catch-22's and we just have to deal with it. weird sidenote). Anyway, I need to figure this out. What do I need to do?? If anyone has any idea how to turn the crazy off...well okay, all girls are crazy, but maybe "tone it down", please help. I'm begging you. I really am awesome and I don't want to be crazy anymore. I want to keep living my life and be able to let others in without completely losing my sanity and self in the process. What to do, what to do?

This Animal Drives Me Absolutely Fucking INSANE

That's right. My dog, Jackson. I swear to God I got the only dog on earth that knows exactly how to piss me off but just enough that I won't kill him. The day I got him, he walked into my apartment and pissed on the floor. I smacked him, told him no and took him directly back outside. He hasn't done it since. I have since learned that he was marking his territory. I know this because when I take him outside, he has to find the PERFECT spot to pee. If he starts going, then realizes it may not be the best spot, he'll stop and hold it for another, better, spot. It's maddening. He can't do it all in one place, he needs to spread it all out as much as he can, which turns a quick run outside into a 10 minute walk around the apartment complex. Once he realizes we're back to our door, he freaks out and tries running to the nearest bush. At first I didn't let him go because I didn't think he'd have anything left in him to go, but once I started taking him to the bush of his choosing, closest to our door, he started getting everything out. I've learned his tricks. So now we take a quick lap around the nearest parking lot and once back to the door, we do our little freak out dance, run to the nearest bush, release and go home. It's annoying, but at least now we have a pattern. Everymorning, 6:30am, the dog gets up, jumps on my face and scratches until I wake up in a fury, try to punch him in the snout and roll over. Then he sits on the floor next to the bed and cries. So I get up, mumbling random mean words at him, take him outside, do our potty dance, then return to bed. But he knows I'm awake. It is NOT sleepy time anymore, it's "play with Jackson" time. He gets all his toys, puts them next to my bed and cries until I yell at him. This morning, he was so mad at me, he started chewing on my $90 tennis shoes. I heard the slobber, jumped out of bed, grabbed the poor shoe and promptly spanked Jackson with it, yelling "BAD DOG" as many times as I could in the process to refrain from killing him. Luckily there was minimal damage and the shoe is still wearable. There are teeth marks, but barely visible. Except to Jackson and I, which will serve as a reminder for me not to leave my shoes out and for him, not to eat them or he'll be spanked with them. In a mean way, I'd love to see him try to chew a stilletto...poor shoes.
Since he's such a "chewer", I bought him tons of bones. First I started out with a bag of three bones, about the size of my fist. That entire bag lasted two days. A single bone lasts about 10 mins. So I upgraded to an entire bag of about 50 flat square "bones". It's literally like a slate of bone. Those last abougt 3 mins. Great for if I need to pee in silence (ugh, which I'll get to later). So I went back to the fucking store to buy my dog yet another bag of bones. This time I got two bones, each the size of my forearm (wrist to elbow). That lasted...about one hour. I wasn't even able to watch an entire movie in peace because of the gnawing, hacking and chewing going on next to me. When that dog eats a bone, he doesn't let it out of his mouth for any amount of time, under any circumstances. Unless he chokes. In which case scares the fucking shit out of me because I am NOT sticking my fingers down that throat, diggin out soggy bone while he wriggles and wailes to get free, all the while panicking and making me panic. Also, I don't know how to give CPR to humans, let alone dogs. So, if he chews that bone too fast and dies, it's his own fucking fault. Don't get me wrong, I'd be destroyed and would probably have to call maintenance to come remove the doggy corpse from my apt, but I'd still be pissed. No other dog here is going to come take that bone away, I don't know why he can't just calmly chew and lick it like any other normal dog. It's like he's in a contest and the winner gets a treat. Like that wasn't enough of a treat.
Now, to the bathroom part. If I dare to close the door to the bathroom all the way, there is major scratching and whining going on. He must think the toilet is some kind of portal to the outside world and I'm going to leave him forever when I sit on it. He needs to be sitting right outside the door watching my every move, making sure I won't be flushing myself away forever. It's terrifying and unsettling. I do not like being stared at when I'm trying to pee. It takes longer.
He's afraid to walk on tile, no joke. So when we do go outside, there's a small triangle shape of tile right inside the door. So he literally JUMPS over it to get out the door. He refuses to walk into the kitchen, which is a good thing, I guess. But somewhat annoying when I'm trying to feed him his medicine and don't want to get it all over the carpet.
His kennel is in the spare room, which you must pass in order to get to my room and the bathroom. So what does Jackson do? He's books it past that room and stares at it once he passes. Like some crazy arms from the kennel are going to reach out and grab him, keeping him locked up forever. I tried to make the kennel a happy place for him. Showing him a treat and putting it in the kennel for him to go in and get, but he's on to me. That first treat is still in the kennel waiting to be eaten. No joke, from the first day I got him. He REFUSES to eat it. Its not that he doesn't like them either, because as long as I'm nowhere near that room, he'll eat them. He's so smart, he's dumb. I swear, I can't explain it. When a car drives by us when we're outside doing the potty polka, he runs around and wraps himself all around me, making me look like a complete idiot, when really, he's the fucking dumbass. I'm pretty sure I've already told you all this in the previous post. Wouldn't you think that by now I'm not going to let him get hit by a car? He's on the leash, he's with me and the car is not aiming at him in a fury with an evil grin yelling "Imma get you Jackson!!! Whahahahhahahahahahhaha" I just don't get it. It's infurating, insane and totally loveable all at once.
OH and his new thing, since he's locked up all day while I'm at work (poor thing) is to tuck his tail inbetween his legs, tuck his ass into his chest and run as fast as he can from one end of the apartment to the other. He runs so fast, it's like a big brown/black blur floating around my apartment. It's really freaky. Once he finally stops, he hacks and coughs for about 2 mins, then drinks an entire bowl of water, drooling all over my carpet.
Having a dog is obviously more work and patience than I ever could have imagined. I'm just glad I got him before I ever had a baby. Woah, can you imagine. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it.

Random Thoughts

This is going to be a mess, I can already tell.

First things first, I have another interview today!! I've been doing my happy dance for about 5 mins now and I don't plan on stopping at all today. Today is a great day! I say that everymorning and they just seem to keep getting better and better. Although the other night I did have a total and complete breakdown on the phone with my sister. I S'd my P though so that explains ALOT! Like I told my good friend, G, girls do just wanna have fun, but sometimes they just need a good cry and then the world can continue revolving around them. So anyway, about the job, it's with the company I totally want to work for, in a BEAUTIFUL building right in the heart of downtown Phoenix. It's so great. I've always been a "downtown" girl (not in a dirty way). I love the big city with the tall buildings and the ambiance of it all. It's so entertaining and there's something new to see everyday. This is where I want to be and what I want to do. Not to mention, everyone in that office seems so nice and they all know me pretty well. I think we'd get along great and maybe I'll make a friend or two (in a totally non-creepy way). Why is it that when you're in your 20's and trying to make new friends, you always seem like a creep? I guess people are just too judgmental at this age. I'm not ruling myself out because you should see what some of these people wear out here, but really...it's hard to make friends!
Speaking of living "out here", it's a totally different world! People here don't stop at yellow traffic lights. If you do, you're obviously from out of town (me) and you deserve to be honked and stared at. I'm from Detroit, I know how to run red lights, not yellow lights. Excuse Me!! I've also been told I have an accent. I've never been told that before and I was completely flattered. I may have even blushed a little :) I like being different. I'm the generic plain jane girl, brown hair, brown eyes, decent smile, not too fat, not too skinny...not memorable. So it's the little things that make me memorable and I try to instill those things in everyday conversation by telling a dumb joke or saying something witty...if it goes smoothly, people will remember me and if totally mess up the joke or say something dumb, people will remember me. It's a win win and I just have to play the cards I was dealt. I'm adjusting and learning how to be on my own and I really really like it. Back in MI I had tons of friends and places to go. I never had to do anything alone because if I just waited long enough, someone would agree to go somewhere with me. I realize now how stupid and terrible that was. If I wanted to see something or do something, I should NEVER have waited for someone else to go with me. I should have made the decision and went with it. The past three days, I have completely changed my outlook and stopped caring what people may think. Just because I'm alone, doesn't mean I'm a loner. I have people and friends and things to do, but they're busy and this is what I wanted to do. Friday I spent 5 hours at 'The MIM' (Musical Instruments Museum) in Phoenix. The best part about it is it's 5 minutes from my apartment so I can go anytime I want. It's beautiful. They give you a headset to put on and when you walk up to an exhibit, the headset knows where you are and connects to the tv on the wall so you can see and hear the people singing, dancing and playing all the instruments that are displayed. It's simply amazing. I can't even describe it. I never knew there were so many instruments and how simple some of them are. Jamaica for example, they're steel drum is made from the bottom of the large steel barrels we were dumping into the ocean during the war. They made music from America's garbage. It's sad and insipiring all at once. I saw the most of Africa and the Middle East and Israel's music is beautiful. African people wear their instruments and dance. It was beautiful to see people dancing together, smiling and having fun. They don't have the technology that we do and sometimes I wish we could be more like them. They have ritual dances and celebratory dances and fun dances. It blew me away.
Okay, you're probably bored of that so now I'll move on to my dumb dog. Jackson is a real treat because he's so dumb. Well....that's mean, he's not really that dumb, but he's scared. Of EVERYTHING. I don't even know where to start....two nights ago I decided he could sleep in my room instead of in his kennel. So I closed all the doors to my room and turned off the lights and got in bed. He paced the room looking for me and when he finally found me he sat there crying. So I picked him up and put him on the bed. I swear, my bed turned into a trampoline because as soon as his feet touched it and I let go, he bounced right off. So that's apparently not an option. Then he found the closet doors...full size mirrors. Oh boy was that fun. He growled and barked and all the hair on his back stood tall. It was hilarious, I died laughing. He freaked. So he finally laid down on the floor beside my bed and stayed there all night. Last night, same thing only this time I left all the doors open and he was free to roam the aparment. Which he did. He walked from the living room, to my bedroom and back again for almost an hour until he finally laid down in the same spot as the night before and fell asleep. I don't know what his problem is, but as soon as he realizes I'm getting ready for bed, he turns stupid. Same as when we're out for a walk and a car drives by. OMG that's the worst! He hears a car, turns into a statue until he sees it then runs in circles around my legs wrapping me up in his leash. It's a sight, I'm sure. A motorcycle drove by once and he got about 3 ft off the ground up the side of a wall. It was pretty funny.
So anyway...those are my random thoughts. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it (which isn't much so don't worry). It's time to get beautified for the day :)
PS, song of the day today is Dirty Bit because I've given in and I totally love it. I can't live without it and I don't know how I have lived this long without it. Oh and Black and Yellow. I don't know what it means, but it's catchy. Real catchy. Maybe it's about bees??? IDK. Loves!

I wish I could read this aloud to you so you could understand the animations (**UPDATED)

Yea, it's been a while. If you read my last post (from 5 mins ago) you will see that I came back with a vengeance. I have nothing to prove, no one to impress and everything to say. I also might still have some anger issues towards a certain person. Bet'ya can't guess where they're from (if you read my last post you'll get it). Haha anyway...So I've been in Phoenix for exactly a week now. I can honestly say that I LOVE it (no go back and say it again in a sing-song voice)! It's sunshine and roses and butterflies on lillies and having your cake and eating it too. It's everything I thought it would be and more. Seriously, I've only been here a week. I need to make friends and get a job though. Two pretty important things. But I have an apartment and I just got myself a puppy friend. Well he's not really a puppy, but he might be. See, the Humane Society (where I RESCUED him from!!) said he's 2 yrs, 2 months old. Then today the Vet told me there's no way he's more than two years old and he knows this because "Jackson's teeth are impeccable". Did you get that? My dog's teeth are better than mine. Granted, I have 24 years on the animal but that's just not something you want to hear at 8:00 in the morning...after the dog shit in the waiting room. Yep.

Okay so where was I? I'm rambling...Oh the job! Yes, I need one. I've applied at countless places, online, on the phone, in person, everything. Finding a job is just as hard as having a job. Well not that having a job is hard but the first couple weeks at a new job is always a bit difficult. There's always the rules then the "rules". Those unspeakable invisible lines that no one crosses but when they do...boy do they hear about it. Proceed with caution!

I'm kinda hoping I get a job at one of the breweries I applied at. I'm sure there's at least one cool person there and there's beer. I mean c'mon...what's bad about that? Plus, the three I applied for are all in this great shopping center called Desert Ridge in Phoenix (I looked it up on Bing maps, it's seriously in the middle of a desert). G.W. Bush was there today...just sayin.

That brings me back to how beautiful Arizona is (the desert, not Bush). Everytime I drive on the freeway down to Scottsdale, I pass these gorgeous mountains with humongous houses on the top and the sun is reflecting off the windows and it's just so beautiful. I get a different feeling everytime I drive by. Sometimes is disbelief, sometimes it's total bliss and sometimes it's pure happiness. It's always a good feeling, so that's good.

I miss my friends and family back in MI and I hope they miss me. It's difficult because I'm starting over out here all alone and I still need them because I don't have much out here and they're still busy living their lives. They're working or going out or most of the time, when I want to talk, it's already late there and they're sleeping. Sometimes I get sad that I can't just get in my car and drive to my friend's house or over to my sister's place but I just have to force myself to think of something else.

And my car...there's another sore subject. I miss my little black go-kart more than anything. I'm sorry girls but my car is the fucking bomb and I want it back. This gas guzzling monster truck squeaks and bangs, and makes all kinds of loud noises I don't know how to handle. It scares me. I also get annoyed when I look into my rearview mirror and see a tire. Yes, a tire. It's weird and it gets me every time. I look back and "WTF IS THAT??" Oh, it's just a FUCKING TIRE. Yep. Sorry Steph :)

Oh and I said I was going to quit smoking when I got here...I haven't had one since last night and I think I may die. That's right. Die. From NOT having a cigarette. Chew on that non-smokers. I have an idea where all this rage is coming from...


**UPDATE: This was supposed to be published last night, but my stupid internet decided to crash as soon as I hit the "Publish" button. Go figure. Thank god it saved or I might not even have a computer anymore. It was pretty heartfelt.

Eat Shit

I really really really dislike people from Minnesota. Every single person I've met from there thinks their shit don't stink and they're basically a gift from god to every other person on Earth. They feel bad for people who don't live there and treat the rest of us like we just aren't good enough and need an invitation to even be speaking to them. I mean really, who do they think they are? It ain't that great people...it's FUCKING COLD!!! It's like negative degrees 5 months out of they year! Who wants that?? That's so depressing. Okay, so your city is clean...woopty fucking do. You know why it's so clean?? Because you have snow those same 5 months out of the year!!!! So please, do us all a favor and get off your high horses and live in modesty like the rest of us. You'll have fun down here, I promise.

PS: this might have a little something to do with a certain person, but I've met a few other Minnesotians (whatever, I hope I got it wrong), since moving to AZ and they STILL talk about it like it's god's holy ground. If it's so great...why are you here? Nobody wants you here if you're going to be talking like that. Go back. Beat it. Scram.

I Love Me, You Should Too

I've been a very bad blogger. I have so much happen to me all the time but I have a hard time telling just a snippet from each story that I just become overwhelmed and decide not to do anything. But I loove doing "fill in the blanks". I found this from "The World Is My Oyster" (as soon as I can figure out how to do the link HERE thingy, I will...I'm still a beginner) and I love reading them. She gives great answers and inspires me to think deep. Here it goes:

{one} what was your first pet and how did you come up with its name?

The first pet my family had was Breezy and she was around before I was. Our second pet was a black lab/german sheperd mix and her name was Shelby. My dad named her after the Shelby Mustang. We didn't have her very long (long story, she died, guess it's not that long) so then we got Ebony. She was obviously named for her color (black) and my sisters and I made her middle name Belle after the character in Beauty and the Beast.

{two} do you like your ice crushed or cubed?

Weird question, but I prefer cubed. When its crushed I end up swallowing it when I don't intend to and choking on it. It's not pleasant.

{three} do you believe in love at first sight?

No, I believe in lust at first sight. Love is a stong word and I try not to use it unless I know I really mean it. Love at first sight is for the movies.

{four} do you have any nicknames?

Erj, Eirbear, Erhead, and my favorite "E", created by my best friends daughter, Kylie.

{five} what movie do you never get tired of watching?

500 Days of Summer. I bought it before ever seeing it and as soon as it was over I started it again. I fell in love at first sight haha.

{six} how do you like your eggs cooked?

I'm not a huge fan of eggs, but when I have them, they're usually scrambled.

{seven} are you named after anyone in particular?

Not my first name, that I know of. But my middle name is my mom's middle name. I like it.

{eight} what are three things that you would like to do that you haven't done yet?

Live somewhere outside of Michigan

Be my own boss

Travel across Europe

{nine} what one thing always brightens your mood?

All I need is a good beat and the sunshine and I'll have myself a great day.

{ten} what five things will you always find in your purse?

Wallet

Phone

Chapstick

Keys

bobby pins and hair ties

{eleven} if I didn't have to work anymore I would...

travel the world, go anywhere I want and stay as long as I want (of course that requires money, so I guess I'd have to win the lottery too)

{twelve} my favorite thing about vacation is...

seeing everything new and exciting.

{thirteen} when I pack for a trip I...

always always always overpack. I can't remember the last time I've forgotten to pack something. I'd rather have too much than not enough.

{fourteen} if I could go on a road trip with anyone (dead or alive) I would choose...

I have two answers, My best friend Bri and my sister Megan. I've been on a couple road trips with both of them and the fun is neverending and we undestand eachother so we'd get along just fine in a car for a few hours.

{fifteen} my top 3 absolute travel essentials are...

hmm, this is hard for me. I always like having a cute, comfortable outfit I can walk around in while looking nice. I need to know the greatest places to go for food/drinks and probably a map of where I am so I don't get lost.

Fact or Fiction?

Whoever said it, I hope they're right. It's getting harder and harder the stronger my feelings grow. People have it so easy and they don't even realize. I never knew how important body language was until now. I can't read minds, I can't tell if you're actually smiling via text, I don't know how you feel until you tell me. Which, in most guys case, they don't know how to do that. It's not their style, and I understand that. I've expected too much and I took it too far. Maybe one day I'll figure this out and we can both be happy at the same time.

BIRTHDAYS

First of all, is this the coolest fucking bday cake you've ever seen or what? I'm completely obsessed with it. I'm going to marry it one day. It had me at "hello". Okay, I'm done...maybe.
I love doing surveys and I love birthdays so when I saw this, I figured I had to do it. Let the games begin...

1.) Birthdays are: your day, 100%. I'm the princess on my bday and nothing can bring me down!

2.) My favorite birthday memory was: I don't remember how old I was (probably 5 or 6) but I remember my mom bought me a new white dress just for my bday and I waited for about a week to wear it, asking her everyday if I could just "try it on". Then when I woke up that morning, I put it on and wore it with pride all day. I was the beautiest :)

3.) A birthday tradition my family has is: We don't really have a tradition. We just try to get together to celebrate, and it's usually more than one birthday combined. We do, however, always try to speed up the singing of "Happy Birthday", we sound so sad!

4.) If I had to choose one birthday meal to eat for the rest of my birthdays hence forward, I would choose: Filet Mignon...the good stuff. With the potatoes and green beans or asparagus. Oh so hearty and yummy.

5.) My birthday is on: July 31. I love it.

6.) If I could take a birthday trip, I would go: To a different location every year. I love traveling and what better way to celebrate your birthday than on vacation. You can do whatever you want!!

7.) The best gift I ever received for my birthday was: I've had plenty of amazing gifts and they all mean different things from different people. Although, this year my grandma bought me a plane ticket for my birthday to see a boy I like. That was special :)

*************

Happy birthday to my beautiful sisters Stephanie and Cecilia, turning 22 this year, and to my amazing best friend, Bri, turning old (26) this year =) Love yous!!

Bear Dog

Last weekend I went "up north" with my sister, her boyfriend (who later that day became her fiance!!!), his sister and cousin. We were all sitting on the beach when her fiance started telling us about this dog my sister mentioned she wanted. I was shocked because she HATES dogs. With a fiery passion. If they look at her she freaks out, makes a hilarious disgusted face and moves slowly away from the animal. No joke. So he's telling this story and in the end, it was some type of dog that looked like a bear. So the entire weekend, all 5 of us walked around randomly yelling out "Bear Dog!" I pictured a big, hairy, sloppy mess of a dog. That's usually what I think of when I see a bear or a dog so it's natural that I would imagine it as double trouble. Then, I just happened to stumble upon this photo and I fell in love. How can you not want this? It's like the very first stuffed teddy bear you ever received as a child and it was your "baby". You took it everywhere with you. When you ate, it ate. When you slept, it slept. When you were mad, they were even more mad. This is that teddy bear times a million. I need one now.

A Change of Heart

Sooo yeaaaa....I totally suck at blogging. I'm going to try something different. I've seen so many pictures of cute things I love so I decided to have more of a "virtual scrapbook" than a blog. It will say everything I can't find the words/strength to say out loud.
Stay tuned (but don't hold your breath!)

Two Years

Summer 2008

Mom: "Bruce was in a car accident"

Me: "what happened?! Is he okay?"

Mom: "He's okay but he lost his peripheral vision. He has a brain tumor"

Me: "....It's back? It's in his brain now?"

Mom: (crying) "yes, it's not good"

My mom and her husband, Bruce, lived about 30 minutes from my apartment. It was difficult for me to visit with them during the week but I occasionally drove out on the weekend to visit, although not as often as I know I should have. My sisters and I would usually plan a day where at least 2 of us would visit at a time. It was difficult to get all four of us together. As Bruce's illness began taking over, we found ourselves at their house more than at our own homes. I was taking time off work and school to be with my mom. Stephanie had enlisted in the Army National Guard and was already gone. She called my mom as often as she was allowed and always asked about Bruce. She requested to be told the truth, no matter how hard it would be to hear. As the weeks passed, Bruce's condition got worse and worse. They were in and out of the hospital and everytime I visited, there was a noticeable difference in his appearance. It became harder and harder to talk to him. One night, in particular, I had decided to drive over after work. When I arrived, mom was in the kitchen and Bruce was in a chair by the fireplace, watching television. I had to keep busy while I was there because I didn't want to think about what was really going on. I just wanted to visit and enjoy their company. I grabbed a screw driver and went out to my car to remove the license plate frame the dealership had put on when I got my car. I hated that thing and had wanted to remove it for years. It was June and I was out there sweating. The "screws" were made of plastic so they were just ripping apart when I tried to twist them. Bruce walked out and my mom followed (unknown to him), she quietly asked me to keep an eye on him. She wanted him to have is freedom, but with his lack of sight, she worried. He grabbed the screw driver and starting working away at it. He didn't say much but I stood there watching him. I could tell he felt better about himself for helping me. He began to get tired and eventually grabbed a chair to sit on. About 20 mins later neither of us could loosen the screw. He could barely move so I helped him inside. He sat down in the same chair he was in when I arrived and I spent the rest of the evening talking with my mom.

During the next couple weeks he had been in and out of the hospital. I had been commuting between work, my own home, their home and the hospital. My sisters and I made sure their dogs were being taken care of, their house was being cleaned and our number one priority was helping our mom. The entire family was amazing during this time and we all worked well in communicating and sharing time between our own families and keeping my mom company. Aunts and uncles would visit the house, drop off food, cut the grass, water the plants, play with the dogs, then visit them in the hospital. It became routine, but everybody wanted to be there, visiting and helping. I know it made me feel better knowing I could help.

The last week he was placed in the care of "in-home hospice". There was a hospital bed in my mom's living room and her two-piece couch was split on either side of the bed. I will never forget the first time I walked into the house after the bed was put there. I came straight from work, picked up Megan and we stopped to pick up dinner on our way there. I hadn't been there in a couple days and didn't realize how bad things had actually gotten. Megan and I walked through the door to faces we didn't recognize. I heard my mom's voice but it was muffled by voices I didn't know. I realized it was Bruce's family, who I had never met. Nobody was smiling and everybody seemed to be fighting back tears. My heart sank. I dropped my dinner on the table and ran to my mom. Then I saw him. He was slumped over in his wheelchair and my mom was trying to get him to eat. He refused. He couldn't talk, move or see. He could hear and comprehend everything. He knew exactly what was going on and I think that was the hardest part. He knew we were there because he was dying. It was difficult to keep a straight face in front of him. I didn't want him to see me cry. He told me many times not to cry for him, he had done this to himself and he was ready. I tried to joke, asking him if he wanted a cookie instead of the food my mom was making him eat. He smiled and nodded. I walked into the kitchen to find Megan in tears. She was terrified. It was a horrible thing so see someone you love in the condition he was in. I couldn't go back into the room after seeing Megan, I had let go and cried for the first time.

Wednesday, June 25 2008, my Dad and two other sisters got in the car headed to Stephanie's boot camp graduation. We were torn between being home for our mom and Bruce or going to be with Stephanie on one of the most important days in her life. Mom talked us into being with Stephanie. There wasn't much we could do for Bruce and mom had a house full with family, friends and neighbors. We said our goodbyes to Bruce and left.

Thursday June 27 2008, Megan and I were sharing a hotel room. We had talked to mom earlier that day and she told us that Bruce's nurses predicted he would be passing in the next couple days. Both of us kept our phones close and mom promised to call with any news. Just functioning was difficult. Our phones never left our hands and Bruce never left our thoughts. Sometime between 2:00 and 3:00am I woke up, just minutes before my phone rang. It was mom. Megan and I sat up in bed and I answered. All we heard was crying. We began to cry. The only thing mom said was "Bruce died". I asked if she was okay and if there was anything I could do. She said no, she was with family and everything would be ok. We hung up and I looked at Megan. We both realized we had woken up just minutes before the call and somehow knew it was coming. It was a weird feeling, but slightly comforting.

That morning, everyone congretated in the hotel for breakfast. We talked about Bruce and how we would go about breaking the news to Stephanie. Since we wouldn't be seeing her until after the ceremony, it was easier for us to wait. The ceremony was amazing and we all cried, for Stephanie and for Bruce. It was the most emotional thing I've ever seen. After the ceremony, the soldiers stood in their companies while family members made their way down to the field and asked permission to release their soldier. Cecilia ran to the front, yelled "Allison" and Stephanie was released. They embraced in a hug I'll only ever see again in the movies. They ran into eachother like it had been years. Tears rolling down their cheeks. She hugged Megan and I and the first thing she asked was "How's Bruce".

This photo was taken at the exact moment Megan was telling Stephanie that Bruce had died that night. The pain is visible on everyones faces. It was one of the most unforgettable moments in my life. That day was a rollercoaster of emotions. I was so proud of my baby sister but I felt horrible for having to burden her with such sad news from home. She was having a difficult time coping with her feelings being so far away from home with no real friends to comfort her.

We spent the rest of the day close to eachother. We all felt sad but made the best of it. Finally being with Stephanie made everything better. We had all missed her so much and we were so happy we could be there for her no matter the circumstances. She appreciated it, I know it. During the entire weekend by dad worked furiously with the American Red Cross to get Stephanie home for the funeral. She was being relocated from Fort Jackson in South Carolina to Fort Gordon in Georgia. We were told that we'd have to take her to Ft. Gordon, get her checked in, then she was free to go home for a week. Megan, Cecilia and I spent hours in the car on base waiting for Stephanie to get checked in. Eventually they came back and we drove home.

Over the next couple weeks, I spent almost every day with my mom working out the funeral/memorial plans. Bruce was cremated and we planned trips to his favorite places to spread his ashes. We had a small funeral in the cemetary and buried some of his ashes there. His family wanted a place they could go to remember him and see his name. The next three weekends were filled with mini-trips to spread his ashes, visit family and remember Bruce. A time I'll never forget.

This Sunday, June 27, 2010 marks the second anniversay of Bruce's death. Just like the two years before, I will be away from my family. It seems to be a pattern and I can't help but wonder if he has anything to do with it. He never wanted us to be sad for him. Up until the day we left, he tried his hardest to make us smile. He was nothing short of a wonderful person and this Sunday, just like every other day, I will remember him and put a smile on my face. I will remember all the wonderful things he did for my mom and how he brought our family back together. He made us whole again and I will always be thankful he came into our lives.

What Goes Around Eventually Does Come Around

Once upon a time, I had this group of friends. Four girls. We were labeled "The Dream Team". We did everything together and loved eachother very much. Then shit got weird. We started treating eachother like shit, talking about eachother behind backs and eventually falling apart. One girl specifically picked on me and made me feel horrible about myself. She was constantly making me feel bad so she could feel better about herself. Then one day, one of the girls and I had enough and started treating her bad. We'd make jokes about her when she was sitting next to us and deliberately make her feel uncomfortable so she would stop coming around. Her attempts to continue to be friends seemed desperate and were hilarious to us. Now, almost exactly one year later, I'm getting what I deserve. I have another group, of four girls. We're great, or so I thought. Little did I know, that I was now that girl that they would continuously leave behind, laugh at when she didn't know what was going on, and seem desperate to "fit in". I've been feeling like this for a few weeks now but I would never have thought that my friends would treat me like this. I guess what they say is true, karma really is a bitch.

New Direction

It's been a while. Many things have changed. I'm not even going to try to pick up where I left off. This post probably won't make any sense but that's pretty much how my life is. Things just happen without a rhyme or reason and there's nothing I can do about it, for now. Right now my living situation is a nightmare. I'm not going into any more detail than that because it seriously upsets me, but it is absolutely horrible and has me wishing for rock bottom so that I can claw my way out of this hole and start over. For me, starting over means moving so very far away. There are more reasons to go than to stay, but one huge reason to stay is my job. I can't ignore it, but I've thought about it a lot and it's probably the best thing I can do for myself. I'd hate to have lived my entire life in the same 30 mile radius. I travel a lot, but moving is completely different. I was thinking about it a couple days ago and realized I have to get a new EVERYTHING. New job, new friends, new hangouts, new car insurance, even new doctors. That's a lot of new. I'm starting to become overwhelmed. But, there is a person there waiting for me and everything I must do in order to make it happen will be worth it. He's worth it to me. As for my friends here, I know that no matter what we'll still be friends. They are who I am. I love them all for different reasons. Everyone of them has contributed to helping me become the person I am today. They know me almost as well as I know myself and that kind of friendship doesn't just disappear.
I guess this whole idea of moving is a lot to deal with and since it's not happening right away I have a lot of time to think about it. I'm still very excited to go, but I want to go now. I'm impatient and scared. I just hope that he's not as impatient as I am, otherwise this will have all been for nothing.

I'm Getting Too Old For This

I've been thinking about things and life in general lately and I realized there's still so many things I'd like to accomplish before it's too late. I mean, not to get all sentimental, but we never know when the real "end" is, and I feel like I should give myself some sort of goal or dream to work toward. I never really do this because I always feel like a big fucking failure when I can't even acheive a goal I set for myself, but I think I'm actually going to try this. I'm 25 (and a half!) which means that I'm going to be 30 (OMG!!) in less than 5 years. Fuck, that was hard to type. Ugh. So here it goes:

10 Things I'd like to accomplish before I'm 30 (in no particular order):

1) Own my own house. A cute little white house with a nice front lawn and a red front door. The red door is very important to me. It's my version of "white picket fence".

2) Travel to every state in the United States. I've been to a handful and I've driven through plenty. I want to stay a couple nights in every state and see the things people don't usually go there to see. I especially want to go to the "Four Corners" of the US and lay down on the ground. Four States at once!!! How awesome is that?

3) Learn to play the piano and find more music featuring the piano. It's my favorite sound in the world. It's so passionate and emotional. I can't get enough of it.

4) Go back to school and get my associates degree in business, also my real estate license. This would be useful for when I buy my own house.

5) Fall in love. Crazy beautiful love. The kind that never happens. (hey, I never said it had to last forever...)

6) Buy a new car. The kind of car I've been dreaming of my entire life. One that has a moonroof, great radio/speakers with ipod hookup, power locks/windows, and most importantly...aluminum wheels!! I'm sick and tired of losing my $90 plastic hubcaps!

7) Love my body totally and completly. I've kindof already started this one and I'm very proud of myself. I want to continue eating healthy, join a gym and stick to it. I want to be comfortable with my body and still be healthy.

8) Own a dog. My very own dog. I've always wanted a Daschound named Frank. So maybe two dogs because I want a big badass dog also. He will be named Zeus. Haha Zeus and Frank, how silly of me.

9) Be more open to new opportunites. I always seem to judge and analyze everything and I just want to be able to do things without thinking about it so much. Sometimes it's a good thing, but mostly it just holds me back.

10) This one hurts me and I can't believe I'm about to say it...you probably should have seen it coming, but I would like to have have a child before I'm 30. I don't want to be some old pregnant person, I just think I'd feel better if I had at least one kid before I'm 30. This one scares me but I don't want to feel like I've missed out on anything. I hate missing out on things.

This One's For You Champ

So tonight was interesting...or still is I guess. I'm currently sitting on my sister's couch, typing on her computer, about to eat her food. Life isn't all that bad. Thanks Red.
Nobody really has time or wants to hear me bitch right now, which I totally understand. Sometimes I don't have time for you and you understand so we're even. I just want to know why guys think the way they do. I've dated a few guys, I've slept with a few guys and every one of them still thinks I have intimate feelings for them. Like yea, I was attracted to you at one point, and if you haven't dramatically changed your looks (like suddenly grown boobs or gained 500lbs) then I'm probably still attracted to you. But not sexually attracted. That's the difference right there people! I can be attracted to whoever I want, it means absolutely nothing. I'm attracted to my best guy friend. He's a good looking guy, I'm not going to lie. I seriously think his man boobs full of manly muscle are bigger than mine though.
Ok so I've totally gone off the subject but seriously...just because we dated or had sex in the past does not mean that I have devoted my entire life to trying to get you back. First of all, I don't do redos. I did that with one guy years ago many times and that junk is not happening again. Second of all, if I wanted you that bad, I'm pretty sure I'd have you.
So, my point is, the next time I see a guy that I used to date or sleep with, I'm not thinking about him the way I used to. I just wish all guys would get the hint and stop thinking about themselves as some kind of gift to women everywhere. You're not that awesome.

Slowly But Surely

"You may not be her first, her last or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together, but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there"
- Bob Marley

Wow. That's all I can say. I'm not a huge Marley fan, I've never seen this before but I think I need to start listening to his music more often! There are not words more true in the entire universe. It's all about respect and when you don't show a woman what she's worth, you don't deserve her. I realized that although I may love, I'm not really loving. It makes sense in my head. I've been stuck on someone for months and I'm beginning to forget what his arms felt like wrapped around me all night. What his lips felt like against mine. I'm happy I don't have to hold his hand anymore because it always made my fingers hurt. I look at pictures of him and his new love and I'm starting to feel happy that he's happy. His face doesn't make me sad and give me butterflies all at once like it did before. I can look at pictures and not shed a tear. There are still some things I'm not ready for and I know I need to take it slow. I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is mighty bittersweet. I'll miss him being around and always making my day a little brighter, but someone else will come around that will be that much better, at least that's what they told me. I feel as if a weight is slowly but surely being lifted off my shoulders and I'm beginning to wriggle free from the grip around my heart. I can breathe and I can't wait to take it all in again.