I'm Getting Too Old For This

I've been thinking about things and life in general lately and I realized there's still so many things I'd like to accomplish before it's too late. I mean, not to get all sentimental, but we never know when the real "end" is, and I feel like I should give myself some sort of goal or dream to work toward. I never really do this because I always feel like a big fucking failure when I can't even acheive a goal I set for myself, but I think I'm actually going to try this. I'm 25 (and a half!) which means that I'm going to be 30 (OMG!!) in less than 5 years. Fuck, that was hard to type. Ugh. So here it goes:

10 Things I'd like to accomplish before I'm 30 (in no particular order):

1) Own my own house. A cute little white house with a nice front lawn and a red front door. The red door is very important to me. It's my version of "white picket fence".

2) Travel to every state in the United States. I've been to a handful and I've driven through plenty. I want to stay a couple nights in every state and see the things people don't usually go there to see. I especially want to go to the "Four Corners" of the US and lay down on the ground. Four States at once!!! How awesome is that?

3) Learn to play the piano and find more music featuring the piano. It's my favorite sound in the world. It's so passionate and emotional. I can't get enough of it.

4) Go back to school and get my associates degree in business, also my real estate license. This would be useful for when I buy my own house.

5) Fall in love. Crazy beautiful love. The kind that never happens. (hey, I never said it had to last forever...)

6) Buy a new car. The kind of car I've been dreaming of my entire life. One that has a moonroof, great radio/speakers with ipod hookup, power locks/windows, and most importantly...aluminum wheels!! I'm sick and tired of losing my $90 plastic hubcaps!

7) Love my body totally and completly. I've kindof already started this one and I'm very proud of myself. I want to continue eating healthy, join a gym and stick to it. I want to be comfortable with my body and still be healthy.

8) Own a dog. My very own dog. I've always wanted a Daschound named Frank. So maybe two dogs because I want a big badass dog also. He will be named Zeus. Haha Zeus and Frank, how silly of me.

9) Be more open to new opportunites. I always seem to judge and analyze everything and I just want to be able to do things without thinking about it so much. Sometimes it's a good thing, but mostly it just holds me back.

10) This one hurts me and I can't believe I'm about to say it...you probably should have seen it coming, but I would like to have have a child before I'm 30. I don't want to be some old pregnant person, I just think I'd feel better if I had at least one kid before I'm 30. This one scares me but I don't want to feel like I've missed out on anything. I hate missing out on things.

This One's For You Champ

So tonight was interesting...or still is I guess. I'm currently sitting on my sister's couch, typing on her computer, about to eat her food. Life isn't all that bad. Thanks Red.
Nobody really has time or wants to hear me bitch right now, which I totally understand. Sometimes I don't have time for you and you understand so we're even. I just want to know why guys think the way they do. I've dated a few guys, I've slept with a few guys and every one of them still thinks I have intimate feelings for them. Like yea, I was attracted to you at one point, and if you haven't dramatically changed your looks (like suddenly grown boobs or gained 500lbs) then I'm probably still attracted to you. But not sexually attracted. That's the difference right there people! I can be attracted to whoever I want, it means absolutely nothing. I'm attracted to my best guy friend. He's a good looking guy, I'm not going to lie. I seriously think his man boobs full of manly muscle are bigger than mine though.
Ok so I've totally gone off the subject but seriously...just because we dated or had sex in the past does not mean that I have devoted my entire life to trying to get you back. First of all, I don't do redos. I did that with one guy years ago many times and that junk is not happening again. Second of all, if I wanted you that bad, I'm pretty sure I'd have you.
So, my point is, the next time I see a guy that I used to date or sleep with, I'm not thinking about him the way I used to. I just wish all guys would get the hint and stop thinking about themselves as some kind of gift to women everywhere. You're not that awesome.

Slowly But Surely

"You may not be her first, her last or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together, but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there"
- Bob Marley

Wow. That's all I can say. I'm not a huge Marley fan, I've never seen this before but I think I need to start listening to his music more often! There are not words more true in the entire universe. It's all about respect and when you don't show a woman what she's worth, you don't deserve her. I realized that although I may love, I'm not really loving. It makes sense in my head. I've been stuck on someone for months and I'm beginning to forget what his arms felt like wrapped around me all night. What his lips felt like against mine. I'm happy I don't have to hold his hand anymore because it always made my fingers hurt. I look at pictures of him and his new love and I'm starting to feel happy that he's happy. His face doesn't make me sad and give me butterflies all at once like it did before. I can look at pictures and not shed a tear. There are still some things I'm not ready for and I know I need to take it slow. I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is mighty bittersweet. I'll miss him being around and always making my day a little brighter, but someone else will come around that will be that much better, at least that's what they told me. I feel as if a weight is slowly but surely being lifted off my shoulders and I'm beginning to wriggle free from the grip around my heart. I can breathe and I can't wait to take it all in again.

Random Thoughts

They think I'm kidding

Why are there so many ways to spell "han-u-ka" (my way is so much easier)

OH. MY. GOD. THOSE ARE REAL POCKETS!!!!

I love this song

I can't wait to wear my new jeans

This is boring

It's too bad that guy's blinker didn't work, I almost hit him (asshole)

holy shit it's friday

Yes, I believe Tiger did cheat on his wife. No, I don't fucking care.

I can't stop shopping

why is he talking to me

my skin is so dry it hurts to wear clothes

I wonder if Megan will actually come over tonight

oh sun, my long lost friend, how I've missed you. Today I will not wear my sunglasses so I can take you in

holy shit that's hot and I just burned my tongue. There goes tasting food for 4 days.

why are they still trying to spell "han-u-ka"

I'm hungry

does she realize how stupid she sounds

everybody needs to go home

don't forget that CD for Cece

how much money do I have after last night and can I count it at my desk or is that rude

I want pizza

fuck it's cold

she's an idiot

shopping!!!!

My Favorite Song

I can feel it in my chest with every beat of the drum. It tingles my skin and rings in my ears. I'm so overwhelmed with emotion while I listen and take in every word, beat, and strum. Nothing else in the world matters. I love this song. I will always love this song. This is my song. It is the soundtrack to my life. It opened my eyes to a whole new world and still I feel something new everytime I hear it. It brings a smile to my face and a tear to my cheek. It wraps it's melody around me in a loving embrace. It brings me home. I find comfort in the voice ringing in my ears. I can sing along or I can listen contently.

Now I only hear a deafening silence so terrifying and unknown where my song used to play. No other song can compete, though they try. Nothing else is quite as perfect and comfortable. I feel as if my life was once complete only to hang on and enjoy the ride, now tumbling and rolling down the mountainside. As if I was once walking next to you, now standing still watching others pass me by in a hurried blur. I felt whole and purposeful when I'd listen, now barely human helplessly drowning in my lonely routine.

He is my song and now he is gone.

Ahh Winter

This morning Michigan had it's first taste of winter. It was not delicious by any means. Last night the temperatures dropped, the rain turned to snow which in turn led to everything freezing up. Including my car locks. I hate my car. I always have and I'm sure I always will. My car hates me too, I can feel it. I do not have power locks so I have to go old school and stick my key in the lock and turn (remember those days?). My locks freeze even when there's no rain or snow to feeze them up. It's like they get cold, clam up and say "nope" to anything trying to get in the way.
So back to winter, I hate it almost as much as I hate my car. I can do Michigan freezing temperatures, the bone chilling wind and I'll even handle the snow, in small amounts. It's actually pretty, but you never heard me say that. The thing that I absolutely cannot live with is the ice. There's ice everywhere and once it starts, it doesn't go away until spring. There is ice on the roads, highways, rooftops, trees, grass...anything you can thing of, there's ice. Plowing the snow just doesn't seem to help. It packs it down and makes it slippery which makes it feel like ice.
Now in case I wasn't clear before, I really hate my car. I drive a glorified go-kart. It's small and lightweight. Cars like this should not even be allowed in Michigan. We should all be driving sports cars in the summer and big heavy duty four wheel drive trucks in the winter. I've even seen people driving to work on snow mobiles and ATV's. What is ridiculous is my lawnmower size wheels spinning in the snow and my go-kart spinning here and there while I'm just trying to go straight. I'm inside the car half laughing at the obsurdity, half crying of embarassment wishing that I had never gotten rid of my 4x4 ranger. That was the dumbest thing I think I could have even done in my entire life. That was the best thing I've ever bought myself and I blew it. I'm an expert at wrong decisions.
My point...I hope I don't die this winter and if I do, please dispose of my car in a way that would satisfy my last wishes. Drown it, burn it, or better yet, crash it into a snow bank. I think it would like it.

Quitter

The best thing about being a non-smoker: hanging out with other non-smokers and not feeling like the ass of the group. You know, that one person that everyone is friends with but nobody wanted to invite because of that one thing they do that bothers everyone else. With me, it was my smoking habit. Apparently it was more important to me than my friends, or money for that matter. It's been a month and for some reason, I can't wait for it to be a year, 2 years, 10 years. I'm a quitter and I'm fucking proud of it. I can finally get into my sister's car and not feel like shit for wanting to light up that cigarette and inhale death while making her cough, gag, make horrible faces at me and wish death upon me for making her car reek for the next week (that rhymed). It terrifies me to think that one day I will have damaged my lungs so bad that I'll have to carry an oxygen tank with me where ever I go. That my family will see me like this and look at me with pity and shame. I'm the kind of person that cannot miss out on anything and if I go before I feel it is my time, I will not go happily. Therefore, I quit and I intend to live a long happy smoke free life. I know it's morbid, but I need to say that I'm happy as shit being a non-smoker and nothing will ever change that. I've quit before but I've never felt this good about it. I don't know what the difference is this time but I like it. I feel free and healthy. I personally believe Michigan should follow suit and be a non-smoking state. It would be nice to go out for a few drinks and not come home hacking up a lung, coughing up smoke and smelling like I live in a trailer park with curlers in my hair and wearing only a bathrobe and pink bunny slippers. Just my take on what my future might have looked like if I had continued to spend my hard, well ok not so hard earned, money on cigarettes.