Summer 2008Mom: "Bruce was in a car accident"
Me: "what happened?! Is he okay?"
Mom: "He's okay but he lost his peripheral vision. He has a brain tumor"
Me: "....It's back? It's in his brain now?"
Mom: (crying) "yes, it's not good"
My mom and her husband, Bruce, lived about 30 minutes from my apartment. It was difficult for me to visit with them during the week but I occasionally drove out on the weekend to visit, although not as often as I know I should have. My sisters and I would usually plan a day where at least 2 of us would visit at a time. It was difficult to get all four of us together. As Bruce's illness began taking over, we found ourselves at their house more than at our own homes. I was taking time off work and school to be with my mom. Stephanie had enlisted in the Army National Guard and was already gone. She called my mom as often as she was allowed and always asked about Bruce. She requested to be told the truth, no matter how hard it would be to hear. As the weeks passed, Bruce's condition got worse and worse. They were in and out of the hospital and everytime I visited, there was a noticeable difference in his appearance. It became harder and harder to talk to him. One night, in particular, I had decided to drive over after work. When I arrived, mom was in the kitchen and Bruce was in a chair by the fireplace, watching television. I had to keep busy while I was there because I didn't want to think about what was really going on. I just wanted to visit and enjoy their company. I grabbed a screw driver and went out to my car to remove the license plate frame the dealership had put on when I got my car. I hated that thing and had wanted to remove it for years. It was June and I was out there sweating. The "screws" were made of plastic so they were just ripping apart when I tried to twist them. Bruce walked out and my mom followed (unknown to him), she quietly asked me to keep an eye on him. She wanted him to have is freedom, but with his lack of sight, she worried. He grabbed the screw driver and starting working away at it. He didn't say much but I stood there watching him. I could tell he felt better about himself for helping me. He began to get tired and eventually grabbed a chair to sit on. About 20 mins later neither of us could loosen the screw. He could barely move so I helped him inside. He sat down in the same chair he was in when I arrived and I spent the rest of the evening talking with my mom.
During the next couple weeks he had been in and out of the hospital. I had been commuting between work, my own home, their home and the hospital. My sisters and I made sure their dogs were being taken care of, their house was being cleaned and our number one priority was helping our mom. The entire family was amazing during this time and we all worked well in communicating and sharing time between our own families and keeping my mom company. Aunts and uncles would visit the house, drop off food, cut the grass, water the plants, play with the dogs, then visit them in the hospital. It became routine, but everybody wanted to be there, visiting and helping. I know it made me feel better knowing I could help.
The last week he was placed in the care of "in-home hospice". There was a hospital bed in my mom's living room and her two-piece couch was split on either side of the bed. I will never forget the first time I walked into the house after the bed was put there. I came straight from work, picked up Megan and we stopped to pick up dinner on our way there. I hadn't been there in a couple days and didn't realize how bad things had actually gotten. Megan and I walked through the door to faces we didn't recognize. I heard my mom's voice but it was muffled by voices I didn't know. I realized it was Bruce's family, who I had never met. Nobody was smiling and everybody seemed to be fighting back tears. My heart sank. I dropped my dinner on the table and ran to my mom. Then I saw him. He was slumped over in his wheelchair and my mom was trying to get him to eat. He refused. He couldn't talk, move or see. He could hear and comprehend everything. He knew exactly what was going on and I think that was the hardest part. He knew we were there because he was dying. It was difficult to keep a straight face in front of him. I didn't want him to see me cry. He told me many times not to cry for him, he had done this to himself and he was ready. I tried to joke, asking him if he wanted a cookie instead of the food my mom was making him eat. He smiled and nodded. I walked into the kitchen to find Megan in tears. She was terrified. It was a horrible thing so see someone you love in the condition he was in. I couldn't go back into the room after seeing Megan, I had let go and cried for the first time.
Wednesday, June 25 2008, my Dad and two other sisters got in the car headed to Stephanie's boot camp graduation. We were torn between being home for our mom and Bruce or going to be with Stephanie on one of the most important days in her life. Mom talked us into being with Stephanie. There wasn't much we could do for Bruce and mom had a house full with family, friends and neighbors. We said our goodbyes to Bruce and left.
Thursday June 27 2008, Megan and I were sharing a hotel room. We had talked to mom earlier that day and she told us that Bruce's nurses predicted he would be passing in the next couple days. Both of us kept our phones close and mom promised to call with any news. Just functioning was difficult. Our phones never left our hands and Bruce never left our thoughts. Sometime between 2:00 and 3:00am I woke up, just minutes before my phone rang. It was mom. Megan and I sat up in bed and I answered. All we heard was crying. We began to cry. The only thing mom said was "Bruce died". I asked if she was okay and if there was anything I could do. She said no, she was with family and everything would be ok. We hung up and I looked at Megan. We both realized we had woken up just minutes before the call and somehow knew it was coming. It was a weird feeling, but slightly comforting.
That morning, everyone congretated in the hotel for breakfast. We talked about Bruce and how we would go about breaking the news to Stephanie. Since we wouldn't be seeing her until after the ceremony, it was easier for us to wait. The ceremony was amazing and we all cried, for Stephanie and for Bruce. It was the most emotional thing I've ever seen. After the ceremony, the soldiers stood in their companies while family members made their way down to the field and asked permission to release their soldier. Cecilia ran to the front, yelled "Allison" and Stephanie was released. They embraced in a hug I'll only ever see again in the movies. They ran into eachother like it had been years. Tears rolling down their cheeks. She hugged Megan and I and the first thing she asked was "How's Bruce".
This photo was taken at the exact moment Megan was telling Stephanie that Bruce had died that night. The pain is visible on everyones faces. It was one of the most unforgettable moments in my life. That day was a rollercoaster of emotions. I was so proud of my baby sister but I felt horrible for having to burden her with such sad news from home. She was having a difficult time coping with her feelings being so far away from home with no real friends to comfort her.
We spent the rest of the day close to eachother. We all felt sad but made the best of it. Finally being with Stephanie made everything better. We had all missed her so much and we were so happy we could be there for her no matter the circumstances. She appreciated it, I know it. During the entire weekend by dad worked furiously with the American Red Cross to get Stephanie home for the funeral. She was being relocated from Fort Jackson in South Carolina to Fort Gordon in Georgia. We were told that we'd have to take her to Ft. Gordon, get her checked in, then she was free to go home for a week. Megan, Cecilia and I spent hours in the car on base waiting for Stephanie to get checked in. Eventually they came back and we drove home.
Over the next couple weeks, I spent almost every day with my mom working out the funeral/memorial plans. Bruce was cremated and we planned trips to his favorite places to spread his ashes. We had a small funeral in the cemetary and buried some of his ashes there. His family wanted a place they could go to remember him and see his name. The next three weekends were filled with mini-trips to spread his ashes, visit family and remember Bruce. A time I'll never forget.
This Sunday, June 27, 2010 marks the second anniversay of Bruce's death. Just like the two years before, I will be away from my family. It seems to be a pattern and I can't help but wonder if he has anything to do with it. He never wanted us to be sad for him. Up until the day we left, he tried his hardest to make us smile. He was nothing short of a wonderful person and this Sunday, just like every other day, I will remember him and put a smile on my face. I will remember all the wonderful things he did for my mom and how he brought our family back together. He made us whole again and I will always be thankful he came into our lives.
